Freedom, Bitch
by blommabelle
Summary: America decides to tell Russia a knock-knock joke. It's about as funny as Russia thought it was going to be, meaning he didn't find it funny at all. Cold War era. Features fem!America.


Russia wasn't exactly doing much of anything except waiting for the meeting to start when America approached him from behind. He didn't even notice the younger nation until she clapped him on the back none too gently.

Turning to level her with a glare, Russia immediately tensed at her closeness. If either of them were so much within arm's reach of each other they were exchanging blows.

America wasn't being aggressive, though. Instead, she placed her hands on her hips and grinned at him, wiggling her eyebrows. "Yo, Russia, dude. What's up?"

Immediately Russia narrowed his eyes in suspicion. They punched each other until someone drew blood and cussed each other out until they were hoarse from the screaming. They certainly didn't instigate friendly chit-chat, and they definitely didn't ask each other what was up. Obviously, the devious bitch was up to something.

Still on guard, Russia stiffly replied, "Nothing."

"Nothing is one of my favorite things," she informed him. Still grinning, she shifted from foot to foot, seemingly unconcerned with the fact that she was speaking with someone who she had declared she wanted to skin alive just last week. "Hey, I heard a good joke the other day."

Internally, Russia groaned. No doubt it was another one of her communism-depreciating jokes. Wonderful. Just what he needed. Instead of replying, he could feel himself emit a dark aura, more so of annoyance than actual anger. Perhaps _this_ was her newest tactic at attempting to topple the U.S.S.R.—by telling him bad jokes until he killed himself. It was simple, effective and cheap. And America certainly wasn't low on terrible, terrible jokes.

"Knock-knock," she began.

Wonderful. A knock-knock joke. His favorite. Russia didn't reply and simply crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes narrowed.

America frowned now, looking annoyed. "Knock-knock."

Silence.

"I said '_knock-knock_'. Do you not know how a knock-knock joke works?" She sighed. "You're supposed to say 'who's there'. Now, _knock-knock_."

Nothing.

"KNOCK-KNOCK!" Suddenly America was in his face. Everyone in the room was looking at them both in horror, knowing full well how so many meetings had recently ended in someone being wheeled to the hospital. America and Russia seemed to have zero concerns when it came to collateral damage, so everyone was already moving back a bit, eyeing the exit.

"_KNOCK-KNOCK_!"

"_FINE_!" Russia yelled, startling her a bit. "_WHO'S THERE?!_"

Suddenly, she smirked and smacked a hand to his forehead, sticking something there… a sticker? She burst out into laughter. "_FREEDOM, YOU COMMUNIST BITCH!_"

Russia narrowed his eyes, his dark aura getting even darker, much to everyone's horror, as he peeled the sticker off and took a look at it. It was a sticker of the American flag.

"That was a _terrible_ joke," he informed her darkly, crumbling the sticker and then tossing it at her. His hands curled into fists. "If you ever put your damn flag on me again, I'll—"

"You'll _what_?" America scoffed. "Bomb me? You forget that I have the bomb, too, Russia. If I go down, I'm taking you with me."

"That doesn't sound like the _heroic_ thing to do."

"Whatever, even Batman had his bad days."

"Capitalist pig."

"Communist bastard."

By this point, they were shoving each other, each push getting more and more forceful and violent in nature. A few of the more powerful nations quickly moved to separate them with some effort. China was quick to usher Russia out of the room, stating that he obviously needed some air while England did his best to distract America with a plate of France's cookies.

It worked, but as Russia turned, America snickered. England glanced over and stifled a gasp. A few other countries covered their mouths with their hands.

When America had clapped Russia on the back, she had stuck a poster of Uncle Sam on there. In big bright colors, the poster read 'I WANT _YOU_ TO FIGHT COMMUNISM!'

There was going to be hell to pay when Russia found that. But judging by the look on America's face she couldn't wait until he did.


End file.
